The Most Iconic Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,

I want to begin this letter by informing you that I’m leaving you forever. It’s been seven years of being a devoted husband to you, yet I have nothing to show for it. These past two weeks have been absolute torture. The final straw was when your boss called me to reveal that you had resigned from your job today. Last week, I came home with a new haircut that you didn’t even notice. I also cooked your favorite meal and wore a brand new pair of silk boxers just for you. But you devoured the meal in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps without showing any affection towards me. You no longer say you love me, nor do you desire any intimate connection between us as husband and wife. Either you’re unfaithful or you simply don’t love me anymore. Whatever the case may be, I’m done.

Your ex-husband

P.S. Please don’t bother trying to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a fantastic life!

The Empowered Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter has genuinely made my day. It’s true, we were married for seven years, but I wouldn’t exactly call you a good husband. I watch my soaps to drown out your constant whining and complaining. Unfortunately, your attempt to shut me out fails miserably. I did notice your haircut, but the immediate thought that crossed my mind was, “You look just like a girl!” Following my mother’s teachings, I chose not to say anything if I couldn’t say something nice. And as for the lavish meal you cooked, you must have confused me with MY SISTER, as I haven’t eaten pork in seven years. As for the new silk boxers, I turned away because I noticed the $49.99 price tag was still attached. I prayed it was merely a coincidence, considering my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning. Despite all of these issues, I still loved you and believed that we could work things out. So, when I won 10 million dollars in the lottery, I quit my job and purchased two tickets to Jamaica for us. However, upon my return home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I genuinely hope that you find the fulfilling life you always desired. My lawyer has confirmed that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t receive a dime from me. Take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!