Dear Wife,
I wanted to write this letter to let you know that I have made the decision to leave you forever. Over the past 7 years, I have tried my best to be a good man to you, but I feel like all my efforts have been in vain. The last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me.
To make matters worse, your boss called me today to inform me that you have quit your job. This was the final straw for me. Last week, I went out of my way to surprise you with a new haircut, your favorite meal, and even brand new silk boxers. However, you didn’t even notice any of it. You ate in a hurry and went straight to bed after watching your soaps.
You no longer express your love for me, and our physical connection has dwindled. I can’t help but wonder if you are cheating on me or if you simply no longer love me. Either way, I have decided that it is best for both of us if I leave.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Please do not try to find me. Your sister and I have decided to start a new life together in West Virginia. I wish you all the best.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Receiving your letter has made my day. We were indeed married for 7 years, but I wouldn’t exactly call you a good man. All you do is complain and whine, which is why I spend so much time watching my soap operas to drown out the noise. Too bad it doesn’t work.
I did notice your new haircut last week, but to be honest, my first thought was that you looked like a girl. Following my mother’s teachings, I refrained from making any negative comments. As for the meal you cooked, you must have mistaken me for my sister because I haven’t eaten pork in years.
And those silk boxers you wore? Well, I turned away because I noticed the price tag of $49.99 was still attached. Strangely enough, that same morning, my sister asked to borrow $50 from me. It was a strange coincidence indeed.
Despite all of this, I still loved you and believed that we could work things out. In fact, when I won the lottery and received a sum of $10 million, I quit my job and even bought us tickets to Jamaica. But when I arrived home, you were gone.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I hope you find the fulfilling life you have always desired. Just so you know, my lawyer assured me that your letter ensures you won’t receive a dime from me. Take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I’m not sure if I ever told you, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that won’t be an issue for you.
