Balancing a career with the responsibilities of childcare is always challenging. Jasmine, a university teacher and stepmom to two teenagers, found herself in a difficult situation. Her husband’s ex-wife asked her to teach their children French after work, but Jasmine refused to do it for free. The situation took an unexpected turn when Jasmine’s husband got involved, leading the distressed stepmom to seek our advice.
This is Jasmine’s letter:
In the immortal words of Phoebe Buffay: “I could but I don’t want to.”
Hi Jasmine! Thanks for sharing your story with us. We’ve prepared four pieces of advice that might help you.
Seek mediation and counseling.
Although I would have suggested that teaching the kids would be a kind gesture, his actions are unacceptable. Stealing from you and acting as if you owe him something shows a serious breach of trust. Your first step might be to consider mediation or couples therapy. This can provide a neutral space to address the underlying issues and work toward rebuilding trust.
Explain how the unexpected use of your savings has impacted you. With professional support, both you and your husband can better understand each other’s perspectives and work on a fair resolution.
Establish clear boundaries and roles.
It’s essential to clearly define your roles and responsibilities within the family. Have an honest conversation with your husband about what you’re willing and able to contribute, and set terms for any additional duties, such as teaching the children.
Set boundaries about your personal time and financial contributions. Documenting these agreements can help prevent misunderstandings in the future.
Evaluate financial contributions and agreements.
Review your financial arrangements with your husband. Since he used your savings without your consent, it’s crucial to set clear rules about financial contributions and spending.
Consider setting up a joint account for shared expenses and a personal account for individual savings. This can help prevent future conflicts and ensure transparency and control over finances for both partners.
Consider re-evaluating the relationship.
Reflect on the overall dynamics of your relationship and whether it meets your needs and expectations. Since your husband’s actions have breached trust and created significant conflict, assess if the relationship is sustainable in its current form.
Have a discussion with your husband about any unresolved issues and whether there is a way to restore mutual respect and understanding. If not, think about what changes you need for your well-being, including possibly seeking individual counseling or reassessing the future of your relationship.
