Ah, Christmas! The season of joy, goodwill, and—ahem—terrible gifts that make you question your spouse’s sanity. Families around the world have their own unique traditions, but they all involve some form of gift-giving. Sometimes those gifts warm our hearts, and sometimes they make us want to throw something against the wall.
This brings us to a rather interesting holiday tale. Picture this: a husband, who is more clueless than a goldfish, decides to buy his wife a ‘thoughtful’ Christmas gift. Spoiler alert: it’s not something that would typically ring joy.
Our story begins about 23 years ago with a man renowned for his terrible gift-giving skills. His gifts usually ended up being something he desired rather than what his wife needed or wanted. Oh, what fun the holidays must’ve been!
One fine day, about 10 days before Christmas, our protagonist comes home to find a large box wrapped up in a beautiful bow. Her husband, grinning ear to ear, tells her it is for her. She’s doubtful but goes along with the charade. After all, they are pretty broke, and Christmas usually means buying for the kids and his insufferably demanding family (thanks, Mother-in-law).
Fast forward to Christmas Eve. With visions of sugar plums and—maybe—a husband who isn’t a complete tool, she unwraps the gift. Drumroll, please… It’s a ShopVac. Yes, you read that right—a ShopVac. For those not in the know, it’s a vacuum cleaner for a garage, his garage to be specific. She has hardwood and linoleum flooring and zero need for this monstrosity. The best part? He already used it! It’s basically a used vacuum cleaner.
Understandably, she’s enraged. She would’ve preferred a $5 necklace, even if it turned her neck green. She refuses to go to bed with him that night, opting to sleep on the couch instead. Genius over here calls her selfish, claiming gifts should be for the family’s benefit. Yep, he doubled down on his stupid logic.
And thus, a plan for vengeance was born. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and she was ready to serve it icy. She kept her scheme under wraps for a whole year, not telling a soul.
Close to the next Christmas, serendipity struck. She stumbled upon the perfect item for her diabolical plan: a hefty box filled with—wait for it—toilet paper. Oh yes, the universe was practically begging her to go through with this.
On Christmas Eve, while her husband was at work, she wrapped the box in layers of cheap wrapping paper, topped it with ribbons, and placed it under the tree. The time had come for his ‘special’ gift.
As the family gathered around the tree, her husband’s eyes gleamed at the sight of the big box. Finally, a gift for him! He ripped off the paper to find a case of toilet paper. Her revenge was swift and poetic. She echoed his sanctimonious statement from the previous year: Christmas gifts should be something the family needs and can use. After all, everyone needs to wipe!
Predictably, he was furious. His complaints to everyone within earshot fell on deaf ears; even his brothers agreed he deserved it. Her family found it outright hilarious. No husband in her family has dared to buy a vacuum cleaner or any household appliance as a gift since that fateful Christmas.
And so, dear readers, remember: if you’re planning to buy a gift for your spouse, make sure it’s something they’d actually appreciate. Otherwise, you might just end up with a house full of toilet paper.
