Protecting My Backyard
A few months ago, I heard about an increase in burglaries throughout the city, and I became concerned about the security of my backyard. To ensure that I never fall victim to such crimes, I decided to install an electric fence. With the intention of making it as effective as possible, I purchased the biggest cattle charger available, designed for around 26 miles of fencing. To set it up, I drove an 8 ft. long ground rod 7.5 ft. into the ground. Little did I know how well this fence would work!
An Unfortunate Encounter
One day while mowing the backyard with my trusty, but cheap, Walmart push mower, I encountered a problem. The hot wire of the electric fence had broken and was lying in the yard. With the belief that I had unplugged the charger, I proceeded to push the mower around the wire, intending to remove it from my way. But to my surprise, I had forgotten to unplug the charger after all. Now, I was standing there with a running lawnmower in one hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other.
A Shocking Experience
Time seemed to freeze as my body felt the effects of the electric shock. My heart raced, and my senses were overwhelmed. It was as if the fence charger and the lawnmower were in a battle for control over my body. The intense vibrations and sparks coursing through my nerves made me feel like I was becoming one with the engine. I had never experienced anything like this before.
A Grueling Battle
As I held onto the fence wire, unable to let go, time passed by agonizingly slow. Growing up on a farm, I was used to mild electric shocks from the fence, but this was entirely different. The signals from my body were flowing through the ground rod, penetrating the damp soil of the Ark-La-Tex river bottom. I resigned myself to endure the pain until the lawnmower ran out of gas. But to my dismay, the lawnmower continued to run, unaffected by my harsh experience.
Praying for Relief
Covered in sweat, dirt, and with my own bodily fluids, I pleaded for the lawnmower’s engine to cease its relentless purr. But my prayers went unanswered. The engine settled into a rough and lumpy idle, reminiscent of a high-performance motor waiting for its owner to engage the accelerator. There I stood, in the scorching heat of July, at the mercy of my own foolishness. I longed for release from the misery I had brought upon myself.
A Miraculous Escape
I have no recollection of how I managed to free myself from the wire’s grip. It wasn’t until hours later when I regained consciousness, lying on the ground next to the lawnmower, which had run out of gas. My body burned from the sun, and two large patches of dead grass marked the spots where I had stood. Another long, thin patch of dead grass showed where the wire had settled when I was on the ground, still clinging to it. It seemed I may have experienced a seizure, during which I unintentionally let go of the wire.
Upon regaining my senses, I realized the lasting effects of the electric shock:
- Three of my dental fillings had melted.
- I developed cramps in the soles of my feet and in my right buttock (strangely, not the left).
- The combination of poop, pee, and vomit, while repulsive, didn’t smell as bad as anticipated.
- My left eye refused to open, while my right eye stubbornly refused to close.
- Surprisingly, the lawnmower now ran better than ever, as if the shock had miraculously improved its performance.
- My testicles, unfortunately smaller than average, seemed to have gained an unexpected length of almost a foot.
- And inexplicably, I discovered the ability to turn on the TV in my game room simply by thinking of the number 4 (still a mystery to me!).
Lessons Learned
This incident has forever changed how I approach life. I now have a newfound appreciation for the small things that bring joy and meaning. I have also learned the importance of triple-checking to ensure the fence is unplugged before mowing. The silver lining in all this is that I can now vividly imagine the fate that awaits any burglar foolish enough to attempt to scale my electric fence. Just the thought of it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, reaffirming the need for caution and preparation.
Remember to share this story with your friends and loved ones—an amusing reminder of the unexpected lessons life has to offer.
