Dear Wife,
I wanted to take the time to communicate with you through this letter and let you know that I have made the difficult decision to leave you. It saddens me to say that despite my efforts to be a loving partner for the past 7 years, it seems that our relationship has not yielded the happiness and fulfillment we both hoped for.
Lately, our time together has been quite challenging, and the final straw came when your boss informed me that you had quit your job. This incident made me question the state of our marriage. Last week, I went out of my way to make you feel special – I got a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore new silk boxers. Sadly, you barely acknowledged any of these efforts. You rushed through the meal and immediately went to sleep after watching your soaps. It hurts me deeply to realize that you no longer express love for me or engage in any intimate connection that is vital to a husband-wife relationship. This leads me to believe that either you are being unfaithful or have truly fallen out of love with me. Regardless of the reason, I have come to the conclusion that it’s time for me to move on.
Your ex-husband
P.S. Please do not attempt to find me. I have already made plans to move away to West Virginia with your sister. I wish you all the best in life.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Receiving your letter today has brought me immense joy. It’s true that you and I have been married for 7 years, but calling you a good man would be a stretch. I must admit, I spend a lot of time engrossed in my soap operas, but that is mainly because they offer an escape from your constant complaining and nagging. Too bad it doesn’t drown out your negativity completely.
Regarding your new haircut, I did notice it, but unfortunately, my first thought was that it made you look rather feminine. Since my mother taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all, I held my tongue. As for the meal you cooked, I think you confused me with my sister because I haven’t eaten pork for the past 7 years. And the silk boxers you wore? Well, I turned away from you when I saw the $49.99 price tag still attached. Interestingly enough, I had just lent my sister $50 that very morning. Quite the coincidence, don’t you think?
Despite all of this, I still loved you and believed that we could work things out. In fact, when I won 10 million dollars in the lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I returned home, you were gone. I suppose everything happens for a reason. I genuinely hope that you find the happiness and fulfillment you have always desired.
By the way, my lawyer told me that the letter you wrote ensures that you won’t receive a penny from me. Take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this to you, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
